AI assisted by Rich Pav
By now, everyone knows that Elvis Presley didn’t actually die of a heart attack in August 1977 at the age of 42. The entire world was shocked when Elvis, accompanied by his mother, Gladys Presley, walked into an NBC studio and revealed that he faked his own death with the help of the CIA. For all these years he’s been living in exile in Switzerland. He’s now 80 years old and his health isn’t what it used to be. But in this day and age, this is probably one of the best things he’s ever done.
Elvis didn’t initially want to make public appearances after his alleged death, and asked that his name not be used at all. Elvis faked his own death because he was worried that the federal government was going to force him to join the military and be brainwashed. The truth is he didn’t want to be a part of this corrupt, evil, immoral, and unjust system. He just wanted to be left alone, and go on a long vacation.
What would you have done if you were Elvis in 1977? Would you have made the same decisions he made? I think most people would have.
This is just one of the many reasons why I used to believe Elvis Presley was one of the greatest human beings to have ever lived on this planet.
There are millions and millions of Elvis fans around the world. We are all the same, all of us. Everyday people. We’re the people who listen to his music and sing along, and we're the ones who remember him, who look at pictures of him, and talk about him and his life.
He is everywhere. He’s in the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, the way we walk, the way we talk, the way we look.
He's in our bedrooms. We all still listen to his music. We still love his songs. We still dream that we are like him.
He was my best friend, I think. That's what people used to say to me sometimes. My Elvis. My best friend. My Elvis.
In my bedroom, Elvis was my hero.
I was 12 years old when Elvis allegedly died. I've been a fan for a long time. I'm still a fan, despite everything. I still listen to his music. I still remember him.
It's hard to understand how this has happened. In the past, he was always perfect, perfect in his music and his movies, in his way of singing and dancing, in his whole life.
He was perfect to me. And I was perfect to him. Until everything went pear-shaped. More on that later.
But for those of you that have never heard of Elvis Presley, let me give you a little background.
Elvis's Biography (as Imagined by AI)
Elvis was born Ralston Oliver Jones in Tupelo, Mississippi on August 13, 1935. He was born with a birth defect of a partially fused spine that required a series of six corrective back surgeries. He was named after his mother’s favorite singer, Billie Holiday. His mother, Gladys, had been a dancer in a strip club, where she met a local traveling car salesman named Jake Smith. In 1943 he changed his name to Elvis Aaron Presley.
In the summer of 1953, Elvis joined his mother and her second husband, Charlie, in California. He was just a teenager, and had already begun to develop a guitar-playing style which would form the basis of his musical career. The next year he was enrolled at the University of Southern California. However, he decided to transfer to UCLA, where he met a young, blonde girl named Priscilla Beaulieu. They dated for a year and a half before they were married on January 8, 1957.
At this time Elvis Presley was a "poster child" for the nation. During this time, the "boy next door" was becoming a celebrity. He was appearing in television shows and doing commercials. His first television appearance was at age 16 on the Jackie Gleason Show in 1957. He also made his film debut that year in Love Me Tender. He became famous for his ability to imitate other stars (particularly the likes of Dean Martin and Gene Kelly) by playing along to the recordings of popular singers.
As his fame grew, his lifestyle reflected the fact. He bought a house in Bel Air, and began to travel extensively. His career was also growing. He had one of the biggest hits of his career, 'A Big Hoot From Little Elvis', a number one hit in 1958 and was named "Country's Favorite Male Singer". In addition, he starred in a popular TV sitcom, titled, "Hey, I just bought a house. How about a nice cold one?" which featured the singing, guitar-playing Presley as the host. That same year he was awarded an honorary Doctorate in Music by the University of Colorado, a school he attended. He would eventually earn ten honorary doctorates.
In 1962 Elvis made his first movie, a film called Clambake, which featured such stars as Red Buttons and Shirley MacLaine. In 1963 Elvis starred in a film which was a box office hit called 'Viva Las Vegas'. It would be his third and last movie musical and his second movie as a movie star. His popularity continued to grow and he had two more hits in 1963. A live performance of 'Suspicious Minds', from the 'Elvis Special', is regarded as one of the greatest performances in pop history.
During his life, Elvis had a total of 26 different marriages, and was divorced several times. Elvis had a total of fourteen children (twelve with first wife Priscilla, two from his second marriage) and was father to nine stepchildren.
In 1969, Elvis was hospitalized for three weeks and underwent a sex-change operation. It was done in secret at the Cedars of Lebanon Hospital in Los Angeles. He was given estrogen and other hormone therapy drugs that would help him become a woman. He changed his name to Priscilla and became known as Priscilla Presley. His mother Gladys Presley told reporters that the sex-change operation was done for medical reasons.
In later life, Elvis had trouble with his finances and went into debt. In 1969 he filed for bankruptcy. He and Priscilla were divorced in 1973 after she had filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery. He then began a long affair with singer and actress Linda Thompson. After he became ill, he and Thompson would often spend the night together, as Elvis wanted her to nurse him. She was the last woman he had sexual contact with before he died. On August 16, 1977, Elvis was allegedly found dead in his bathroom.
At the time of Elvis' death, Priscilla was filming a movie in Vancouver, British Columbia. On August 24, Priscilla was notified by the police that her husband had been found dead. She received the news just as she and the other film actors had finished work for the day and were waiting to be flown home. The next day Priscilla and her daughter Lisa were flown home on the same plane as Elvis' coffin. After it arrived in Memphis, his coffin was taken out and placed in the funeral home of Elvis' father, Vernon.
The funeral took place on August 27, 1977. Priscilla was the only one to speak at the funeral. She spoke of her love for Elvis and of his kindness. She said "Elvis was the love of my life. We shared so much together. Elvis was my best friend and the best man I ever knew. My life was complete when he was part of it."
Today, 41 years after his death, the average age at which people are found dead, we still remember him. He is everywhere. He is in the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, the way we walk, the way we talk, the way we look.
In reality, Elvis has been hiding in plain sight and living off his own considerable fortune. He is currently working on a top secret project. Elvis’ own fans are the only ones who know about this and no one is allowed to tell a soul about this secret.
This has left people with a lot of questions. Who is working on the secret project with him? How will Elvis use his own fortune to further his project? Is it just one project or multiple projects? Is it a movie project or will it be a music project? Is Elvis working on a book of some kind?
I am going to attempt to answer all of these questions and more, as I uncover the truth.
Let’s start at the beginning. There was a brief mention of this secret project at the end of Elvis’ video, “Elvis, Can You Spare Me A Dime”. In it, Elvis mentions something along the lines of "I’m working on a new project."
Many fans assumed that this new project was something very close to the core of Elvis. If Elvis were still in the Army, he would most likely have a top secret clearance. What could this new project be?
The first time I saw Elvis, he was in Palm Springs. He was having a party at his mansion, and he was looking pretty good for his age. We talked for a long time, and I told him about that time I'd fainted on the toilet and almost drowned in the bathtub. Elvis said that was a good story, and he said, "You shouldn't be scared of water." And then he asked me if I'd be interested in working for him.
We talked for a while longer, and we laughed for a long time about all the folks who thought he was dead.
After that, he called me at my office every week for about a year and a half, and asked me if I could get people to talk about his death. It was a real pain, because a lot of Elvis's fans were really worried that he was dead. When he was alive, Elvis's fans used to call me and ask me questions like, 'How can you be so sure Elvis is alive?' or 'How can you be so sure that I'm Elvis?' I just told them the truth, and they seemed happy enough. I was sure Elvis was alive because the man himself had told me so.
He's Wrong in the Head
Elvis wanted to talk about his new album, too. He asked me why it was called 'Black Is Black.' I told him about all the white people who thought he was dead, and he said it was because he wanted to bring Black people into the world of pop music. He asked me if I'd be interested in working for him, and I said yes, because he had more money than anyone else I knew, and I'd never had a job before. He said I could be his assistant, and we talked for a while about the possibilities. He said that he'd become the best-selling entertainer in the world and that he'd help a lot of Black people.
Elvis told me that he wanted to make sure Black people were taken care of, and he told me how he could do it. He said that he was going to sell all of his white friends into slavery, and that's how he could help Black people. I've known a lot of people in Hollywood, and I've been making friends with a lot of the white people that Elvis used to hang around with. It's not as easy to sell someone into slavery as it sounds. I've done a lot of research, and there's a lot more to it than you'd think.
I told Elvis that he was crazy. He said he wasn't crazy, he was very smart, and that I'd see. He said the devil wanted him to be a 'genius,' and since he made a deal with the devil, that's exactly what he would be.
I laughed, but I could tell Elvis was dead serious about his plan. He kept telling me that he wasn't crazy, that this plan was going to be very good. He told me he was going to make a lot of money, and that all of his money was going to Black people. He said I'd never seen any of the money, but it would be good money--millions of dollars. It was a really long speech, and he went on for a long time. It was really hard for me to concentrate. He told me I'd understand.
When he was finished talking, he told me I had to promise him something, or else he'd kill himself. I said I'd do anything. But I didn't really want to promise him anything. I just wanted to just get away from him, because I knew he was crazy. I started walking toward the door. I said that I was sorry I was late--I'd been called out of town, and I'd forgotten all about my appointment.
Elvis got real angry. He told me to take off my clothes, and I told him I wasn't going to. He said that if I wanted to be a 'genius,' then I had to make sacrifices. He said that I could either be a 'genius,' or he could turn me into a Black 'genius'. He told me that if I refused to become a 'genius,' that I would die that day. I was scared, and I begged him to let me go. He told me I'd understand. I begged and pleaded with him to let me leave, but he just kept saying that he was going to turn me into a Black 'genius'. He got real angry, and he said that he was going to beat me with a belt. I've been whipped before, but I've never had anything like this one. It was really horrible, and I started to cry. I told him I'd rather die than be turned into a Black 'genius'. I said that if he killed me that day, then he wouldn't have to turn me into a Black 'genius', and that I would be dead, and he could turn me into a white 'genius'. He got real mad, and he said I wasn't even a white 'genius'. He told me I was going to be a Black 'genius'. He said that it was my own fault that I was a poor 'genius'.
Elvis kept telling me that he was going to make me a genius. He said he was going to make me rich and famous. He kept saying he was going to change my life. But I didn't believe him, and I begged him to stop hurting me. He hit me all over my body with a belt, and it hurt so bad. He said I had to stop crying, or he'd keep hurting me.
He was beating me for a long time. He said that I'd see. He said that I'd never see the sun set again. I've never seen the sun set before. He said that I was going to be famous, and that I would never be poor. I told him that I just wanted to be a regular person, and I didn't want to have to choose. He told me that I had to choose. I told him that I just wanted to go home. He told me that I was never going home, unless I made the right choice. He said that I was going to be famous. He said I was going to be rich. He said he was going to take care of me. He said that he loved me.
I had to escape. I had to get out of there before he killed me.
I escaped in the back of a truck. There were a lot of people out there. They were trying to kill not only me but my wife, too. They said that they were going to kill her because Elvis had told them to.
Elvis Behind Bars
I escaped Elvis’s mansion and went to the nearest police station. I told the police about what Elvis did to me and what his plans were. The police arrested him and put him away. He’s now serving a life sentence without parole at the Federal Correctional Institution, Butner, North Carolina.
Last week, Elvis wrote me a letter saying that he was sorry and asking me to forgive him. He said he didn't mean any harm. I'm still really mad at him. He should have known better than to do something like that to me. He also says he'll give me whatever I want if I forgive him.
I sent back a letter telling him that I only forgave him because he begged me to do so. I don't know if he's going to pull something. He might try to have me killed. I'm not taking any chances. I have a small arsenal hidden in my house. I also have a few weapons in my car which are concealed. If he tries anything, he's going to wish he hadn't.
Elvis is dangerous. Don't let your guard down around him. He might try to kill you too. You must always be prepared for an ambush. I will always be there to protect you.
Whatever Happened to Mr. Mojo Risin?
AI assisted by Thersa Matsuura
You may have heard of me. My name is James Douglas. James Douglas Morrison. You might know me by my other name, Mr. Mojo Risin'. No? Not that one? How about The Lizard King. Man, I was always fond of that one.
I'm Jim Morrison and I have to come clean. Fifty years ago I faked my own death. It's true. And it's not as crazy as you think. There are reasons.
First off, I'm a liar. That's what we do best. Lying is our art form. We lie all the time, man. If we didn't, well, there wouldn't be any good lies, would there? We're very good liars. Don't believe everything you hear, folks. For instance:
Lies like "Mr. Bluejeans says Jim is dead." Yeah, that's just a joke. It doesn't really exist. Even if it did, he'd be wrong.
Anyway, the point of the fact is very sharp. And it is that I've been alive and living on the Seychelles for the past fifty years. You can call them the islands of love or paradise or even heaven, but those aren't accurate descriptions. What they are is a place where everyone's dreams come true. Dreams, not nightmares. There is no such thing as bad luck here. Everyone has the perfect job, and the perfect partner, and the perfect home, and the perfect kids, and the perfect life. Perfect, like me.
My name is Jim Morrison and I've been lying to you all along, man.
What I am going to tell you now will sound like a fairy tale. A story from another time. But it's not. But I don't want to lie to you anymore. You see, this is my last day. I guess I can say, the time to hesitate is through. I'm going to do it. I'm going to die today.
If you can't read this, then you won't get to read the rest of it. But I'll give you something to remember anyway. Something that I wish someone had told me when I was young. Something that might have made things different. If only I'd known then what I know now.
The truth is...
I've been dead for five days.
I can't describe how it feels to be dead. At least not yet. All I can tell you is that it hurts like hell. I'm not going to go into details, because they hurt. They hurt so bad that I couldn't possibly put words to them. So I'm going to skip ahead and leave you with this question instead. Is dying worth it, man?
For me, yes. Because I'm going to save my soul. And I'm doing it by telling you the truth. By being honest. I have to, man. I've already taken one chance, and now I'm taking another.
I'm writing this while sitting in a bar. I'm drinking absinthe. I know. It sounds dangerous. But it's not. In fact, it's kind of nice.
It tastes like ice cream mixed with fire. It tastes like burning your mouth and turning your eyes red. It tastes like the sun and it smells like flowers. It makes you feel alive.
The bartender gave me a glass and a bottle. She smiled and winked at me. Then she walked on down the hall.
So here's the part where I tell you the truth because the future is uncertain and the end is always near. This is what I've was doing for the past fifty years.
That's right. I have a job. And it pays well. It's called the Hotel California. It's a big hotel built on an island paradise in the Indian Ocean. It's run by The Management. It's a very nice place to live. It's filled with beautiful people who are very kind to each other. It's like a dream come true. Except for the occasional murders. And that's where I came in. Before I was murdered myself, you know.
The Woman: Pamela Winefart
Now, the Hotel California is haunted. It's been rumored for years that there are ghosts living in its walls. Or maybe demons. Man, that’s not important. What is important is that there's a woman named Pamela Winefart who works there as a maid. And she's not human. Not entirely.
She's a monster. She's a zombie. A vampire. She lives to suck the blood out of men. I mean, literally. And that's why I had to fake my own death.
Right? I mean my whole life I traded my hours for a handful of dimes. And so did she. So I faked my own death, moved to this exotic island, and I met Pamela Winefart at the Hotel California and I learned that she enjoys sucking the blood from men and I was like, yeah, man, I'm okay with that. I was a pretty happy guy for fifty odd years. Life here has been heaven.
Until today. Today is the first day I can't believe I lived this long. It's like my heart is about to explode. My chest hurts so badly I can barely breathe. I'm sure I've broken ribs. My back feels like it's on fire. And the pain is unbearable.
I'm bleeding inside. I think my liver is hanging out. And I can't walk straight anymore. I can't focus. I'm losing control of my limbs. It's like I'm in shock or something. I keep thinking about her. I just want to grab hold of her and squeeze the life out of her. It would make me feel better.
A Ghost from the Past
And that's when I heard a voice.
A voice. A voice I haven't heard in over fifty years. A voice that I thought I'd never hear again. And yet here it is. Right next to me.
"What are you doing?"
He looks exactly the same as he did all those years ago. Like some god of ancient Greece. Tall and thin with dark hair and bright blue eyes. He has a scar under his left eye. The same scar that I have.
"I could ask you the same thing," I say.
"You can't die. You're immortal."
"Not anymore," I said. "I'm dead."
He smiles and shakes his head. "This is getting old, man. Give me a break. I've got a new album to finish."
"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm dead."
"Okay. How did you fake your death?"
"I killed myself. But I didn't really die. I just fell into a coma."
"Is that what you call it? Okay, fine. We'll go with that. Why don't you just tell me how you got out of your coma and why you're still alive?
"I saw you," I said. "I remember you."
"Yeah, well I remember you too. Now listen, man. You need to stop faking your death. If you don't get rid of this woman, she's going to kill you. And then she's going to kill me."
"I know. I know. But you're dead. And I can't kill you because I already did that once. I've got a feeling that you won't let me try again. You know, for old time's sake."
"That's crazy," he said. "I'm not that tough."
"Maybe not. But she is. She's dangerous. She's kind of soft driven slow and mad like some kind of mink."
"What's a mink?"
"It's a kind of rodent. They used to be hunted. But they're now considered cute and cuddly."
"Well, she doesn't seem cute and cuddly to me," he said.
"Me neither. I've tried to talk to her but she won't answer. She keeps disappearing. I don't even see her around the hotel anymore."
"She must be real good at it. She's gotten away with murder for years. Maybe decades. She must be good at covering her tracks. I'm telling you, man, she's dangerous. I'm not kidding. She could kill us both if we're not careful."
"I want to kill you."
"Mother. I want some absinthe and a straw."
And that's the last thing I said to them. They vanished before my eyes like ghosts.
But I'm not afraid of ghosts, man. I'm not afraid of anything. Not anymore. I'm not going to live forever. It's over.
Everything is Perfect
The pain is gone. I can breathe again. Everything is perfect. You know, the future is uncertain and no one gets out of here alive. But right now, right now everything is perfect. I've got nothing to lose. Nothing to fear.
And I think I'll just take a bath. Wash off all these scars. There's a hot tub in my room. I wonder how deep it is. I'm not afraid of water anymore. I can float down there and drown. I'm tired of being scared. Tired of living in terror. I don't want to be frightened anymore.
I've had enough of fear.
Enough of guilt.
I'm done. I'm going to put on my robe, shake out my hair, and walk on down the hall of the Hotel California. I'll find the bar, order myself a drink, and then sink into the warm, inviting waters of that hot tub. I've always wanted to try it. But I never got around to it. I guess now I will.
And I'll soak for hours. Then I'll come back up and slip into bed. And sleep like a baby.
Then tomorrow morning, I'll wake up. I’ll wake up in the morning and I’ll get myself a beer. I’ll dress, have breakfast, and go to work. I'll have another day of fun, fame, fortune, and decadence. And I won't think about death anymore. Or her. Or you.
I'll go to the bank, pay my rent, and leave. I'll forget you ever existed. You can rot in hell, man.
I'll miss you, though. You know this is all a lie, right?
How We Make These Stories
Go to https://6b.eleuther.ai/
Play along by pasting in this prompt:
Once upon a time there were three bears: a momma bear, a papa bear and a baby bear. They lived in a little cottage in a big forest. One day, papa bear was standing in front of the bathroom mirror and noticed that he had the first ever grey strand of fur on the top of his head.
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Happy Whistling Ukulele by Rafael Krux
Little Trolls by Frank Schröter
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